reflection

Any convert, whether he goes from communist to capitalist or from six packs a day to smoke-free ends up condemning his former practices. Because those beliefs didn’t work for him, they can’t work for anybody. His vision becomes narrow, blinded by the light. Whether he’s transformed into a Hindu or joins A.A., he becomes a fanatic. If you ask me, it’s the fanatics who fuck up the world. It’s the fanatics who think they’ve got God on their side. The rest of us? We don’t need divine light. In the dark of night, all we want is enough light so that we don’t stub our toe on the way to the toilet.

Funny how an episode about criminals in a penitentiary can teach so much in 50 minutes.

From the book of James.

Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly. We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check.

When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.

All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man, but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.

With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.

I’m guilty of all of that, but I bet you are too. Some days I realize I just fucking talk too much, especially to my girlfriend. Maybe I should learn to shut my mouth or I should just cut off my tongue.

I try to be a good person when it comes to people, but I’ve tried a gazillion times with a hundred gazillion different friends/buddies/partners/pals all these years and no one can say it better than my beloved Mussolini.

The reason I like hanging out with my college friends is because they are all successful. They are at the top of their careers, are financially-secure, and have hobbies outside of work/regular coffee dates. Successful friends DON’T NEED ANYTHING FROM ME. We hang out because we want to.

Unsuccessful friends adj. (uhn-suhk-ses-fuhl fr nds) – those who can’t support themselves financially, are in emotional limbo, or both – are very annoying. They do not call or email me just to say hi. They only contact me when they need help with a problem, which is every waking moment of every single day. When they invite me to dinner, (a) I have to pay, (b) we have talk about them and them alone, and (c) I end up doing them a favor, or (d) at least wasting a minimum of two hours feeding their needy egos. Like I said, they are very annoying adj. (ver-ee uh-noi-ing).

The thing with these ver-ee uh-noi-ing uhn-suhk-ses-fuhl fr nds is that they make me feel guilty. I can’t dump them/ignore them/not help them. But I’m quickly losing my patience and just want to cut them off from my life.

That’s right, I’m tired.  I’m tired of trying to help people and figuring out later that they don’t want to be helped.  I’m tired of my wasted efforts draining my energy to the point where I’m so sick and depressed my own life becomes miserable.  I wish I could just say fuck you to everyone and live on, but I just can’t seem to shake off the guilt.

I think the problem is that I don’t hang out with the right crowd, people with kindred spirits. Or maybe I try too hard? Oh wait that’s not it. I live in the wrong fucking country. Yeah.

Remember the classic lesson about sand in your palm? How you have to grip it a little so the wind won’t blow it away but not too much so you don’t squeeze them all out? Well I was talking to Lee about relationships and it suddenly hit me that we men are like that. We like our women to need us to give us that sense of importance, but when they become a little too possesive we run for our lives.

Does that make sense?

I guess men have this ego that tells them “we’re the boss don’t mess with us”. We can’t be caged, put on a leash, and so on. We want our freedom. Our women may worry, but that same freedom that lets us check out other women out there will always bring us home at the end of the day.

We are after all loyal puppies, we just want the illusion of liberty.