life

A Crack Of Enlightenment

2006.07.28.13.13 · 3 comments

I wrote an email to Lee yesterday and I admit it’s pretty depressing but still it’s my life. You’ll notice the bad grammar and misspells and lack of capitalization.

wasssuuuuupp homie?!!! =p

depression was fading then my granduncle hung himself. so it kinda brought back the old days when i tried to do that myself. fucking nuts.

i had the weirdest dream last nite. there was this bridge, and three of us. i don’t know who the other two are. we cross the bridge and look at the river beneath. it was not a river. it was the ocean and there were ships. somehow the perspectives were all wrong. then we read this label. kinda like the see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil thing. the wise monkeys only in words. then everything went dark. and we were in an abandoned building. one of the other person saw something and was blinded. i got the hint. i thought to myself i’d rather be mute than blind or deaf. so i spoke. and i was mute. the last other person had no choice but to hear something and he/she was deaf. then we walked around and we realized we were being hunted by something. weird. turns out it’s a hostel type building where people are being tortured. watch the movie if you have strong guts. so we tried to escape or we’ll share their fate. but we were too slow. our hunters were no humans. then they killed us. and everytime we died the scene went back to the bridge and we had to pick our disability again by acting up on it. i chose to be deaf this time around cuz hearing those captors casing us were horrific. i thought i’d just do this over and over until i woke up.

i didn’t wake up. i was in london waiting for you inside a building. it was dinner time and you only had enough money for a bowl of goo. so we went to this eating room and you shared your bowl of red/green goo with me while talkin to your skate buddies. you didn’t introduce us. then it was time to go home and we had to take the bus. you asked if i had money and i said i only have dollars. you got pissed and told me to fucking be prepared next time. this is london. we don’t fucking take dollars here. lol.

then i woke up. fucking depressed again.

i still haven’t touched the new tony tapes. maybe my demons don’t want me to. i’ll try today.

thanks for listening (reading) mate. i hope your ankle and arms are ok now.

jerm

A few minutes later he replied with his reading:

Dood, that dream has a serious message for you.
Crossing a bridge symbolises coming opportunity. The ocean symbolises creativity, fertility and birth. The ships on the ocean represents coming opportunities for travel. The see no evil , hear no evil, speak no evil are your insecurities, limiting beliefs. The other people are simply your alter egos, each one with its own insecurities, limiting beliefs. You are being hunted by your own inner demons and the people being tortured are a reflection of the pain you feel for others. You die and come back again and again and again, because this is exactly what you are doing all the time. You start a business opportunity, it doesn’t work or is going to slow, so you try again, but you always come back to the same place (blogging, etc). Finding yourself with me sharing food, symbolises our close bond and friendship. Getting a bollocking from me for not having the right type of currency is simply a reflection of your fear of letting me down. Not being introduced to my friends is your feelings of being shy and wondering if you’ll fit in and get on with my friends.

Either that, or you just ate some real dodgy cheese the night before.. LOL!!!

Good to hear from you bro. Sorry to hear about your Grand Uncle, please don’t let this break your spirit. You know where I am when you need to talk.

PEACE

How’s that for a dream interpretation? Not bad huh? Not fucking bad at all. OK enough with this depression shit. I’m downtown with Joe now and I’m gonna have a kick-ass day.

6am Beats Depression, Kills A Senior Citizen

2006.07.26.00.41 · 0 comments

I was pretty depressed the entire last week, but now I’m better. Sleeping never worked for me so I quit caffeine, again, and I forced myself to wake up at 6am since Monday. It’s only been two days and I’m getting massive headaches but my vision is starting to clear up. I managed to go downtown to check on my blogger and hang out with some friends yesterday. Today I stayed home working on some of my blogs and played ball a little with Dee in the afternoon. It’s all good.

Then, there was a phone call. My mom picked it up and I remember hearing her gasp, but I was sunk in binaries between tasks on my computer. She later came by my room and told me that my grandpa’s brother just hung himself. I didn’t nearly jump out of my seat, I acted calm, actually, but I really freaked out inside. Suicide, again, here? Damn. I remember back when I used to cut myself trying to ~~face death~~ escape life. I even hung myself once with my belt but it broke after a few seconds. I might’ve been overweight then. I thought suicide was history for me. Back in Pasadena it was part of life. People killed themselves almost every other week. But here, no way man, Asians are a lot more ~~chicken~~ respectful of life. Well the guy was lonely and his kids (my so-called uncles) were wife-abiding-husbands who didn’t care about him ~~too much~~ enough. Poor grandpa. I hope God lets him in heaven. I don’t know.

I don’t know what to feel right now. It’s tempting to let myself sink in depression again, but for what fucking reason? One death isn’t exactly worth my day, or week, or month for that matter (yeah I go into long periods of downs sometimes). Anyway, I hope there’s a baby born somewhere full of life. It’s only life, after all.

Bottom of the Pit

2006.07.21.17.14 · 0 comments

All that drug I’ve been taking for the last week and a half has finally kicked in and I’m suffering the side effects. Call it brain damage or whatever you want. I’m imbalanced and I want to shoot myself for a change. Heh. Maybe a bullet will wake me up.

Bali Series One

2006.07.05.05.10 · 4 comments

You go to Bali to escape daily life and relax and guess what you find? A Korean girl in a miniskirt dancing on the platform making your eyes go banana.

Then you think this must be a dream, except in your usual dream the girl would be a blonde.

All right Italy just beat Germany and I’m sleep deprived. This is my first Flock posted post and it’s 5:10am here but it’s still 3:10pm in California, so happy 4th of July people (Americanos) and look out for more Bali piccies in the next few days.

Blogged with Flock

I Want to Use A Sabot to Blow Up My ISP

2006.06.24.00.20 · 4 comments

My entire life depends on the internet and guess what happens when it’s slower to download my email than to have my dead fish swim around the globe and back, twice?! I fucking want to blow up my ISP!!! But then again if I do that I’ll be stuck with dial-up again and that wouldn’t be good.

It’s crazy how it costs people in the States $20 or less a month for a 1mbps or faster hook-up and it costs me $40 a month for a crappy 56kbps shared connection on a 1:8 ratio. Fucking nuts.

I was talking to Jose yesterday and he just came back from Marine tank training camp. He taught me a thing or two about war and combat and especially about tanks. I seriously think now is a good time to put my newfound knowledge to practice and fire a fucking sabot to shoot my ISP down. Not for oil, not to defend Bush’s pride, but for the sake of anger.

All right I better stop or I’ll do it for real. And I’m gonna have to commit crime stealing the tank (and the sabots) before I commit yet another crime (blowing up my ISP). Fuck this I’m going to sleep.