life

today started bitter for me.  my best friend called off our friendship on the base of some stupid misunderstanding.  the funny thing is that i didn’t fight for it.  it’s not like i lose best friends as a hobby but it’s happened a few times before that i begin to doubt the word “best”.  there are friends, sure, just none are best.  i did make a death pact with him.  i die he dies, and vice versa.  today we forsake that pact.  i will die alone.

nonetheless it still made me feel ungrounded.  i somewhat felt detached from reality and my mind went through a series of past hurts.  then i remember my ex lie mei and turns out it’s her birthday today.  what a fucked up coincidence.  i even asked vie if it’s ok to call her but i killed that idea.  instead i went to the mall with vie and watched 28 weeks later alone while vie hung out with her childhood friend.  the movie kinda sucked but it was good watching a movie alone again after so long.

i’m still feeling shitty and i’m tempted to dig in my past to find something to hold on to.  but i’ve somehow swallowed this retarded emotion.  people will always disappoint you.  it’s your choice whether to let them or not.

on the brighter side of today, i’m 99% done with the redesign.  i was going to release it today but vie convinced me to wait until my birthday.  i guess it’s not a bad idea.  i never really treated myself anything for getting old.  i guess it won’t hurt so bad.  lol.  but honestly i think there’s still something missing.  that 1% that makes it perfect.  the keystone.  the completing pixel.  or whatever.

the day is done.  i hope tomorrow will be better.

Ok so it’s simple. I start making websites for clients again and I charge around $500 a project. Multiply that by 2000 projects and I have my first million!!

Ok maybe it’s not that simple, but dS has already done at least three in the past month and there’s two more coming. So that would leave us 1995 to go. Yay!!

I thought I’d hit the bottom of the bottle.  But then it cracked and there was this abyss and it was dark.  People normally sleep when it’s dark but I was wide awake, waiting to hit bottom again so I can rest.  Three days and I finally hit a warp and there was the sun.  It was burning my skin so deep I can feel my skeletal structure almost shattering.  Then I hit the green pastures.  The first breath of fresh cold air since so long.  I slept and slept and slept and the heat from the sun still lingers.  Time like this I wonder why I’d separate from my mind.  The body is weak without the mind, and the mind is just a figment without the body.  Maybe one day I’ll recollect myself again.  But for now I’d just have to catch up with the loss of energy and see if I can keep myself on the brighter side of the pastures.

I’m dead beat, but I’m happy.

I almost had her pack her stuff and leave.

She couldn’t breathe and she just wanted to go home. I took the wrong turn. Ends up carving the wall with the knife. It should have been my tongue instead. Now I left her broken, trying to breathe while she sleeps next to me. I can’t sleep. Why do I always hurt the one I love the most? I am a monster.

She stuck with me. That’s how she loves me back. I’m not sure if it’s good for her but I’m glad she did. Her sister almost picked her up and I almost left for good. Close call.

I’m at a cross road now. A place where my mind goes one place and my body goes another. Maybe one day they will meet again. But for now they must part. It’s for her own good.

I’ll burn myself in sacrifice. That’s how much I love her.