Stan’s post about love fished a curious question from Susan, who’s been dating her boyfriend for over five years. She asked my opinion in an email of whether what she has with her boyfriend is really love or if it’s merely a sense of getting-used-to-ness.
I am very skeptical about love. I even claimed that it’s an illusion. So I don’t know how to answer her question objectively. Because in my own selfish opinion, I don’t believe in love. But I also said earlier to someone that I probably would believe in love again when I meet that dream girl. But then again if she’s a dream girl she’ll only exist in my dreams. That when I actually meet her I would pass her by as if she were a dream herself, thus missing out on a chance of a lifetime.
I dated a girl for five years once. We broke up four years ago. It was hell when we broke up. But when I came to realize myself, I had been in hell all along. She actually opened my eyes through our relationship. Now I’m not an angel flying around between the clouds. Now I realize the demons in me and I deal with myself. Better than ever.
I know a lot of you come and go, just to see if JErm has come up with another stupid thing to say today, or if I have redesigned the blog again. I know this from my stats, for they can’t all be Googlebots and spambots. So I’m asking you now, you evil lurkers out there, to drop in your two cents in my piggy bank. Because Susan needs it. Who knows you might be saving her life. Because Budhi, another friend of mine, just married and is now following up on a divorce.
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
love is complicated. it is a chemical reaction in your brain combined with self-fulfilling prophecy. i have been dating the same man for four years. it is a choice you make. that doesn’t answer susan’s question, but well, just wanted to sound off.
Well it would if you reveal your feelings towards this dude. Do you love him? Or is he just conveniently there? You know.. all that blabber.. Susan should drop by here sometime, but I hate how she never says anything!
I feel you man. I got out of a 2 year relationship in November, it was harsh. I was treated like crap, and cheated on. It isn’t something easy to deal with. I know what you mean..
November? That same shit happened to me again sometime around July/August last year, but I was well-prepared. I’m enjoying my solo-fight man, I hope you are too!
I’m not really so experienced myself but what i think u really mean by “Love vs Getting Used To” is (maybe) infatuation vs love…
I’ve heard the/one of most common time for divorces is within 5 years after the marriage, which is generally explained as when the infatuation wears off and the couple may need to rethink their relationship, whether they really do love each other? or whether they just thought they did. I also think “getting used to” is a part of love, it’s what makes you miss someone when they are gone right? I think the ultimate test of love is whether one is willing to make significant sacrifices for their lover and remain faithful.
disclaimer for the post above: I could be way off…
btw, it could be helpful if the URI feild by default contained http:// , i just realized that just entering the domain makes a broken link
I agree with Nat. That sounds like a pretty good description, except that infatuation usually lasts a few months and not years. But what a difference things seem after that! Then’s when the couple have to start caring about each other as they really are, because they couldn’t see each other before that. And maybe in Susan’s case, if she has to ask, she never really got that far in terms of loving him or getting the love back from him. (Care, I mean.)
Nat, I guess in a sense you could be right. Getting used to can be a form of growth in love, but it can also be a delusional layer. So I don’t know.. in Susan’s case I guess Stan was right, if she had to ask in the first place, then maybe there’s discontentment in her relationship. I think she’s past infatuation, she’s been with the guy for five freakin years!! I think the reason she asked is that she didn’t (doesn’t) want to jump into a commitment (marriage) not knowing exactly how they feel about each other. In my past five-year-relationship, I thought I loved the girl, and maybe I did. I loved her too damn much. But if I really did then why was I always fighting her over ridiculous matters? Why couldn’t we have forgiven and excused more? It’s like we knew each other too well that we left no margin for error. We expected perfection because in theory we were fully aware of each other’s potential. So when we didn’t get what we wanted, we blew up. Over time repeated quarrels and miscommunication wore us out, and we simply grew out of love. Maybe that’s what’s happening with Susan, except that they’re both very flexible and they’re capable to excuse more than me and my girlfriend were. So who knows, maybe they’ll last?
Thanks for your input guys, if you have any more thoughts about long-term-relationships feel free to fill up this little space!
And Nat, I fixed your link! I’ll keep that issue in mind on my next update!
interesting about your long angry relationship, JErm. Sounds a bit like one I had. How does this sound? If one of you was expecting the other to live up to his “potential”, then that person didn’t know the other person. A potential is something you get from society, not from an individual. You compare some superficial characteristics of the person to the wonderful thing you would like him to be, which may or may not be true, but certainly is a reflection of what you wish the person was. You wish you were living with a rich person, or a famous person, or a celebrity, or something, and you know damned well that your hubby could be one of those things if he just set his damned mind to it for you! Ha ha. It doesn’t say much for that person’s knowledge of the other person as he really is, or of any care for him. Thus, no love for him.
I’ve always been ambivilent about the nature of love.
Too often I think we identify love as the infatuation we experience during the first phase of a relationship. And then sometimes we aren’t prepared when the buzz dies off.
I think I’d settle for love as a relationship I’m ‘comfortable’ in. Where I don’t feel like I’m being judged when I talk to my S.O. Where the both of us will actually compromise and not hold those instances over the other’s head. When I can share my thoughts without being afraid. When I don’t have to be deliriously happy everytime I’m with her and be ok with that.
[shrugs]
Stan » I probably should’nt’ve used the word potential for it didn’t get my point across to well. What I meant was something like this:
When you’ve been with someone for so long you almost know their every move. So you expect them to do this and that in reaction of all the things you do. But people change, and people have moods. So they don’t always react the way you like them to. For example, if I wanted a kiss, since I know for so long that everytime I kiss her she’d kiss me back, I’d expect her to. But maybe one day she’s just not in the mood or she hates my onion breath, and refuse to kiss back. Sometimes when you’re on auto-mode and your brain halts to function, that kind of reaction is simply unacceptable. Anyway, that’s probably a dumb example but there’s tons of other things that can happen in that fashion.
Allen » Thanks for dropping by and posting your share of thoughts. I would agree with you if I were in a relationship such as that. But I have before and it went down the drain so it’s hard to accept that it was ever real. But you’re still right, feeling of comfort is crucial in a relationship.
In my opinion the answer to her question is, it’s both.
There is the life long debate about loving, and being “in love”, and the difference between the two. The fact that she has spent five years with the same guy shows some of evidence of love there. I’m sure there’s affection, and caring, and other things(!), but now after five years, is this it? Is there more?
In response to the response, that “true love” as a mere illusion, I offer this to both of them.
Love is defined is a strong positive emotion of regard and affection. I think that most of us can agree that this exists and is all around and therefore love defined as such is a reality. I love my parents, my brother, my friends, my co-workers, my cats, and yes even my ex-girlfriends. I don’t hesitate in sharing my feeling for these examples and have a strong positive emotion of regard and affection for them.
What happens is that we have inherent and instinctive “needs” for companionship and the melding of our lives with someone else. We are to be brought up and educated to provide commerce and at some point we get together with someone and get married and have children and the process starts all over again. For a lot of people this seems fine, but for some of us there seems like there should be more.
It’s the “more” that we are ultimately searching for. We called it love, and it is very often mistaken for love, because it is a key part of it, but it is so much more. This we can debate as illusion, because it is not defined, and if you could ask ten people what the “more” means to them, you will probably get ten different answers.
In searching for the “more”, self matters. You must come to grips with your “aberrations” and really self evaluate what the “more” means to you, and why you want to invite another into that. I have seen so many fine and affectionate people simply give themselves up in the name of “love”, without ever exploring themselves and the wonderful things that actually make them “loveable” to fill this “need” to be loved, or married or a parent, and never asking why, and giving themselves enough time for them to get a honest answer.
In my opinion five years is enough time to figure out if there is “more” there or not. It’s scary to have to decide to move on or not, but it’s even scarier to realize that there could be someone that gives you “more”.
My best wishes to all of us who are searching for “more”!
Thanks Peter. You have a very positive outlook on this matter. I’m sure Susan will thank you silently, for she never says a word around here. As for me, I’m not searching for that “more” and I think a lot of people have stopped looking because they have been in too many relationships that don’t provide the “more”. I don’t know. I’m so busy I can’t even think now. But thanks for stopping by and letting us in on your two cents.